yes yes a thousand times yes!
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Leftovers are for quitters!
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back
Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later
Me: Perfect, send it
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.