Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
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I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here