Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
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nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”