Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life