Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
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[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t