yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
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me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.