Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
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I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
…żyje?
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams