Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

Thursday Thought.

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.