Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
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Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.