Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

twitter is a journey

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

“Let’s break a leg today guys!”

–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.