Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
You Might Also Like
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.