An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Who does Amazon think I am?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?