don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
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Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.