Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
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If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
