Yes 😂
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**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”