Yes 😂
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What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
She knows her part so well!
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Something Saturday.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.