Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.