Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
You Might Also Like
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.