Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

me: dating is hard

me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.