Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

The best plant holders?

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?