Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
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Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
long lost
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
Feels like there should be a middle ground
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.