Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
