Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
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[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
He wanted to make sure😂
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.