@MumInBits

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

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@AGStr8upNinja

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

@SlappNuttz

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

@ConanOBrien

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

@HeidiCF8

I’m going to write “I miss you” on a rock. Then throw it at your face. I just want you to know how much it hurts..

@rockymomax

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

@jonnysun

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

@Thrill_Tweeter

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

@fibulaa1

Found an apartment I really liked and the only review for the building was “love the location but I got stabbed in the hallway” ….. anyways my tour is in 30 mins

@MandaPie1981

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.