Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

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Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.


My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.


My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”


I’m going to write “I miss you” on a rock. Then throw it at your face. I just want you to know how much it hurts..


[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal


“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me


H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”


Found an apartment I really liked and the only review for the building was “love the location but I got stabbed in the hallway” ….. anyways my tour is in 30 mins


Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.