Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one