Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Solving a traffic jam

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

water it, i dare you

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it