Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
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If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭