PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
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Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.