yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like π π π until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind isβ¦
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good mornβ
6: Iβm dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
cop: youβre so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Transcript of Paul Ryanβs life since endorsing Trump
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
Find a penny pick it up and all day long youβll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
βare you just going to lay in bed all dayβ
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
why r babies always crying u donβt even have jobs
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Sorted
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
