yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I was just discussing this with my cat
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
