yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
