yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
