yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
That’s enough internet for the day
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
