yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like π π π until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind isβ¦
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club πΆ
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub π
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
π€£π€£π€£π€£
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Sorry, canβt. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. Thereβs no coming back from that.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning π
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Although weβve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
Itβs completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and Iβm just thinking about how scary that would be.
βDo you want seconds?β
βHELL NAH! Iβve got three kids at home.β
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago Iβ¦
Me: Donβt really, though.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Me: Whatβs your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog ππ
