yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like ๐ ๐ ๐ until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind isโฆ
canโt stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice โlike a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the backโ
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: iโm sorry i think i made a wrong turn
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, โthe Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
๐ถI Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus๐ถ
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
If youโre looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet itโs in, hit me up.
