Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure