Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

Lmao

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know