yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
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Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I’m having an out of money experience.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night