Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)