yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.
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My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
i actually laughed 😩
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.