Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
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“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
ready to be harvested
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
