Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
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It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My safe word is Worcestershire
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.