Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
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Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT