Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

Lucky old June.

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse