Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

Ah..makes sense now

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.