Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

I just ran a .003048K

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.