Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
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The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.