Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
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What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”