Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

Friday

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

Just a reminder, folks:

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal