Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Another interesting #factupdates post!

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.