Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
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There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance: