Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
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Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
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[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.