Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.