Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

The booster protects against what, now?

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?