Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.