Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
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“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …