Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
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running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
The Struggle
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry