Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
You Might Also Like
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Not helping
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”