Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
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How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
Kermit goes Blue.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
synchronized noseblowing
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!