Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
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when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I have obtained a hat
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
