Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

Europe. Made in Germany.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

My love language is deader than Latin

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale