Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
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If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side