Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.