Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
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Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Can you solve the riddle??
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Teach your children to beatbox
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Expect the unexporcupine.