Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

I identify as an antique shop.

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food