Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
work smarter, not harder
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.