Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.