Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

White border agent = Vanilla Ice

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

My church trusts me to collect and count the offering but not to pick up the donuts and that’s fair.

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.