Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Human are so complicated

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”