Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”