Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”