yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
remember
only for emergencies
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
