yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Jail
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
