Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
